Elizabeth Jane: How to get through a divorce and support the kids through the process
Some 50 percent of marriages in Australia end in divorce. The most common reasons for divorce include domestic violence, substance abuse, childcare responsibilities, infidelity, poor communication, financial problems and conflict. Naturally, when a married couple decides to end their marriage, one of the main concerns is how it’s going to affect their children. How children react to the breakdown of their parents’ marriage will vary depending on the child’s age and personality, however it’s common for children to feel sad, confused, fearful, angry and worried.
According to Elizabeth Jane children are often weaponised and this can cause significant trauma and lifelong issues. Parents struggling to cope often don’t even realise the extent of the impact everything is having on the children.
“Helping children to cope with the separation and divorce of their parents requires giving them plenty of love and support, but also importantly, keeping them safe from involvement in or exposure to any confronting situations,” Jane said.
Jane is a highly respected self-help expert who has navigated the self-improvement path with great success. Her best-selling book, ‘Free and First: Unlocking Your Ultimate Life’, available on Amazon, is a part memoir, part self-help book that guides readers to process things that they may be struggling with and helps them break free of these constraints, so that they can look forward to a future without the weight of the past.
“Having gone through the pain of a divorce myself, I am very empathetic towards those who are considering it or currently going through the process,” Jane added.
“It is an incredibly challenging time made even more complex and distressing when kids are involved. My hope is that my insights may help others who may be facing the difficult challenge of navigating how to help their children through the breakup of their family unit.”
1. Keep adult details to yourselves
“It’s not necessary for children to be involved in unsuitable details, so you will need to think carefully about what is appropriate to share with them, for example if infidelity is the cause for divorce, and not divulge things that should only concern adults. By over sharing details, you can confuse them, and they may not understand,” Jane cautioned.
“On top of this, sharing too much information is a way of getting your children on your side by asking them to pass judgment on the situation, which simply isn’t fair. Do not speak badly of your spouse, who is and will always be their parent.”
2. Only tell your kids when the final decision has been made
“The first time you break the news to your kids should only be after your partner and you have come to a final decision. Do not tell your kids anything unless you are absolutely certain that you will go through a divorce, otherwise children will feel confused and frightened by the uncertainty,” she warned.
“Some important decisions that you should have already discussed and decided upon with your partner include when and where someone will be moving out and custody details. It’s best to speak to the children together with your partner about these things. Carefully choose a time to break the news. It’s also a great idea to have a support system in place, such as close family members, school guidance counsellors and teachers.”
3. Communicating clearly with your kids
“When talking to your kids, make sure right from the beginning that you tell them that it’s not their fault. Of course, children will want to know why their parents are divorcing, and you will have to give them a valid reason. However, keeping in mind that you need to filter out adult information, make sure that it’s appropriate, and that is all your children need to know,” Jane stated.
“Your kids will also want to know about what’s going to happen to them, so when you’re sharing details about their future living and schooling situations, be as accurate and clear as you can be, and don’t make promises unless you can keep them.
“It’s important to be a consistent, stabilising force for them to lean on in this confusing time. They will be less anxious if you provide factual information and give them a clear idea on what will happen to them.”
- Consistent routines
“Keep up your children’s routines while the process of separation and divorce is happening. This will help your children feel a sense of stability and security. Provide them with safe ways for them to express their feelings. Everyone grieves in different ways, and the feelings of each child should be respected,” Jane said.
“If you have more than one child, carve our time to spend with each one individually everyday so that they can open up to you if they want to, and ask you questions. By the way, it’s ok if you don’t have all the answers because it’s likely that you won’t. However, remain honest and clear with your kids and don’t lie to them just because you think they’ll feel better.”
5. Remember that you are not alone
“The process of divorce can be utterly overwhelming. Just remember that you are not alone and that you can always get support from your friends and family. Furthermore, you need time to allow yourself to process and grieve,” Jane said.
“I recommend setting aside some time as often as you can to focus on your own mental and emotional wellbeing. Hardship comes to all of us, and we need to learn to lean on each other for help and support to get through these hard times.”
Tough times ahead
“Helping children come to terms with your divorce and the fact that their family is changing can be really tough on children. Remind your children constantly that no matter what has happened in the marriage, they are still loved by both parents,” Jane said.
“Children will struggle the most during the first two years after the end of a marriage. However, as long as you and your ex-partner focus on presenting your children with consistent parenting with consistent and effective discipline, rules and limits as well as warmth, nurturing and empathy, children will build resilience and become better adjusted to their new family structure.”
6. Opportunities for Growth
“Sharing how you feel with your children, in a safe supportive environment, without going into the drama of the blame and shame game, can encourage your children to do the same,” Jane added.
“Such an approach can allow pent up feelings to be acknowledged and to move on as children and parents feel into what they need to feel safe, loved and free. Putting in place effective boundaries to ensure everyone’s needs are met requires empowered conversations to ensure ideally all needs are met. There is a great opportunity to strengthen relationships between family members and build resilience for all concerned.
“Feeling into our feelings and speaking up by setting appropriate boundaries can be awkward and uncomfortable, and requires courage and practice, but I believe this is an essential life skill to allow us all to identify our needs. It is then that we can work out what matters for our children and ourselves and put measures in place to ensure no one’s needs are overlooked or sidelined.”
About Elizabeth Jane
Elizabeth Jane is an Australian artist, author and public speaker. She uses a selection of painting media in her art, including acrylic oil and water colour. Digital and canvas versions of her art are available for purchase through her website. Jane’s debut book, ‘Free and First — Unlocking Your Ultimate Life’, was written as part of her healing process following her divorce, which ended a 25-year marriage. Jane aims to develop wellness centres and healing sanctuaries focused on helping people to recover from relationship breakdowns and other life issues.
ENDS
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Please contact Tess Sanders Lazarus for further information and interview opportunities.
Tess Sanders Lazarus
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